What No One Prepared Me For

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a big family. Lot’s of little children running around the house. Me, barefoot in the kitchen cooking their next meal. I even wanted to adopt at a very young age. I had this vision of someone leaving a baby on my doorstep and me all too happy to scoop that precious child into my arms and bring them into our family. I could imagine nothing better than being given a child. And to this day, I honestly still have that vision. Although, now I know it isn’t quite so simple or so easy.

Most of my life has been spent on imagining what it would be like to raise a family and have children of my own. And now that I am in the midst of living out my longest held dream, I am confronted with something I was completely unprepared for.

That we may never have another child.

Now, I know I am still considered “young”. 35 is the new 25. I know the LORD may decide to bless us with another child and if He does I will be ecstatic. The truth is though, it just may not be in His will for us to have anymore children. And that is a difficulteality to face. Finances being what they are is enough to make us hit the brakes on adding to the family, but then we also have to factor in our ability as parents. Can we really handle a third child and show all three of them the love, respect and grace they deserve? My bad days make that question easy to answer. Not only that, I also have to consider the calling the LORD has placed on my heart. He has given me a lot to do and I feel like I am barely able to keep as it is.

I’ll be completely honest; I have fought as hard as I could against the idea that my child rearing days are over. I put pressure on myself, my husband and on God to change our circumstances so that we could proceed to have a third child. “If only my husband had a better job with more income, then we could try for a third.” I would pray God would let my husband find favor in the eyes of those who see his resume. He’s applied for dozens of jobs without any response other than a rejection email. With all our prayers, God has yet to change our circumstances. And when I finally accepted that Ethan might be our last - I wept. I entered a period of grieving I had not prepared for nor seen coming. It was a pain I felt I couldn’t bear. But here’s the good news. Because with God there is always good news. I prayed He would give me peace. Regardless of the outcome, I prayed He would give me peace. And He did just that.

One night I went to bed grieving, the next morning I woke up with a peaceful heart and contented soul. Proof God does answer prayer. My heart still desires a child, but I know if God chooses not to give us one then He has something better planned. Perhaps He will allow me to be a mother to many and love the children outside my home. What a joy and life-changing blessing that would be.